I actually enjoy things other than beer; to wit, candy. Long ago, I made homemade black licorice for my dad and it wasn’t too awfully hard and my dad liked it (then again, this is the man who would routinely eat my “Easy Bake Oven” masterpieces so perhaps let’s not rush to judgment on how good it was). Since we are pretty broke this holiday, I decided to do what Ma Ingalls or whoever the fuck would do and make my gifts! I made some lovely apple butter, apple sauce and this pear chutney thing with some sort of spice that turned my spoon yellow. Then I decided to make CANDY!

(Yes, I did think of this idiot. Now you are thinking of him, too!)

First up was peanut brittle! Here is the recipe that I used ~

2 cups sugar, 1 c light corn syrup, 1/2 c water, 1/4 c butter, 2 1/2 c peanuts and 1 1/2 teaspoons baking soda.

Your first step is to get the sugar, corn syrup and water really really REALLY fucking hot. But look at the pretty bubbles!

My God, it’s full of bubbles. I think you see something like this when you die.

Basically, I had to get it to 275 degrees with some occasional stirs. Then I had to add the butter and peanuts and SHIT GOT REAL. I had to stir it nonstop and get it to 295 degrees. Then I had to dump in the baking soda and immediately get it to the pre-greased pans.

I know that looks like I ate a bunch of peanuts and then vomited into a pan but I assure you it was pretty good.

Here is the actual recipe that I would recommend you follow exactly.

Then I thought well shit, that was easy! So I decided that I would also make peppermint candy. It’s more or less the same recipe as you can see here but without the constant stirring cuz none of that shit for candy canes. You dump it in, you heat it up, you take it off the heat, you add the peppermint oil and–

OH MY GOD MY EYES MY EYES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MY EYES! I was honestly blinded for a second by the strong, strong peppermint oil. It was only a half teaspoon for God’s sake! I can’t imagine what a quart of that shit would do…I guess it will be useful in the Revolution. Think of throwing it into the eyes of Dick Cheney (and his Cheney bots) and think of the fun that will ensue! Dick hopping around my kitchen, throwing F bombs while we slip on the handcuffs and win the war. It will happen, my friends. Oh yes it will.

Anyway, they are still cooling so I have no idea what they will taste like. The peppermint essence is still in my eyes though. It hurts to blink.

As a parting shot, check out my Doughboy spoon rest! He’s raining candy!