You Should Not Drink & Bake

One year, the Smithee Awards just had some fantabulous quotes in their movies. Oh wait, that’s EVERY year. Whatever, this one year had this movie with Arnold S (I can’t spell the last name; sue me) in it. He told a woman–and I quote–“You should not drink and bake” (but imagine that with that Arnold S Terminator voice). He also told her her “hair looks like shit that way” but that quote does not apply to this post; nevertheless, I offer it up solely for your amusement.

I never really worried about this advice because I tend to bake in the morning or afternoon and drink in the evenings and nighttime. However, this past Friday was a big drinking night. It did not start out that way, but it ended up that way. So after Jeff & I stumbled home, I realized that shit! I had to make a pumpkin cheesecake for a party I was going to on Saturday. I set my mental alarm (which, interestingly, only works on non-school days) for about 9am and drifted off to marmalade skies. They don’t make marmalade like they used to and, for some ungodly reason, I was up at 8:15 am on Saturday and decided I should start to bake the cheesecake.

I had wanted to try a new recipe that called for four (!!) packages of cream cheese, so that is what I bought. Upon looking at the recipe that morning though, I noticed it called for something called a “springform” pan. Having no earthly idea what that was, let alone whether or not I had one, I went back to my tried and true pumpkin cheesecake recipe, which only calls for two (!) packages. I softened them up in the microwave and got to work.

It is perhaps at this point that I should tell you that I was a little hungover. I normally don’t get hungover but since I’ve lost some weight, I can’t drink like I could when I was 40 pounds heavier. I made the gingersnap crust and then I blended the cream cheese, the pumpkin (which I had baked and frozen last year), the vanilla, the cinnamon, the nutmeg, the cloves, the sugar and then dumped it all into the crust and put it into the oven. This is the point in which the blog post becomes like that Shel Silverstein poem where the man forgot his pants because, you see, I clearly forgot something.

Can you tell me what it is?
Bonus points if you can tell me for what 70s artist Mr. Silverstein wrote song lyrics?

I’ll wait.

Got it? The eggs, of course! (And it was Dr. Hook)

The dog had to be let out at this point and after I brought him in, I suddenly remembered reading in the recipe about how I needed two eggs. Oh. Fudge. But I didn’t say fudge. I ran into the living room and asked Jeff what I should do. He asked at what point was I in the baking process and I said that the cheesecake was in the oven. He looked at me and I knew that I had to start anew.

Luckily, I had plenty of pumpkin, the extra cream cheese and lots of ginger snaps to work with. THIS TIME, I put the eggs out first thing so I wouldn’t forget. And by the time I was done, my hangover was just about gone.

So how did they turn out? The biggest difference was in texture. The no-eggs version was more like cream cheese dumped in a crust. Not bad, but not as smooth and creamy as its sister pie I did put some cinnamon and sugar atop the no-eggs version and that helped a bit. So it wasn’t awful, but not something I’d do again.

Here is the recipe, in case you were wondering:
2 packages (16 oz) of softened cream cheese
1/2 c pumpkin puree
1/2 c sugar
1/2 t vanilla
1/2 t cinnamon
1/8 t nutmeg
dash cloves
TWO EGGS

Mix everything except the eggs until well blended. THEN ADD THE EGGS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ADD THE EGGS GOD WILL CRY AND KITTEHS WILL DIE IF YOU DO NOT ADD THE MF’IN EGGS.

Pour into crust and bake at 350 for 35-45 minutes. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours.

Gingersnap crust:
1.5 c of gingersnap cookie crumbs
3 T sugar
1/2 t ginger
6 T melted butter.
Press into a greased, 9″ pie pan and bake at 350 for about 10 minutes.

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3 Responses to You Should Not Drink & Bake

  1. Margot says:

    hilarious.

    at least it was pumpkin cheesecake and not regular pumpkin pie, which would have been a runny mess if you’d forgotten the eggs.

  2. Ginger snaps, huh? Nice.

  3. Maggie says:

    Awesome, funny post — love it!

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